sparking blog

a new identity and i am not sure why i crave it. not necessarily a brand new identity but a return to home. the classic returning home theme in myths and all of literature. we all come back to ourselves. it is all a path to finally arrive at the starting point. who you were in the beginning. who you have been all along. but there was too much noise. too much noise to realize. all your life you try to sculpt yourself an image that you deem good or important. because you hear too much noise and the mold clearly shifts shape all the time. so you are left with confusion, not knowing which pieces fit and which pieces do not, all the while your shoulders were tight, your jaw clenched. all the while, it was already there. you just had to loosen your shoulders and unclench your jaw. you didn’t need to be anything else than what you already were. the attempt to sculpt an identity was in vain. it was already there, right behind the tight shoulders and a clenched jaw.

“no need to hurry. no need to sparkle. no need to be anybody but oneself.”

Virginia Woolf

as for me, i am doing my best to discover the unhidden depths of what i have always been behind the mountains of failed sculptures, right behind the clenched jaw and tight shoulders. i am subtly planning a return to home within myself. how long was Odysseus gone? trust me, i am doing my best to stop taking myself so seriously and let myself just be without sculpting anything else on top of it. i am getting closer and closer to finally cleaning the mirror.

and the fog disappears. when played back to back, the end and the beginning of the songs i naturally like and listen to start fitting each other. not the songs you listen to because you want to impress someone. not the songs you tolerate because it is cool to listen to them. what i find naturally cool starts feeling like my cool. the colors i want to wear are finally mine. the colors return. the books return, the music returns, scrabble and chess return, beauty returns, friend in me returns, gentleness return, what i actually do to make me happy return. and i return home to myself. and every myth ends that way.

and every morning i feel the flow of being me running through and between my legs. and it wants to spend some time with me. and i finally clean the mirror. and what i see is not strange, it is not brand new, it is what has always been there. there was just too much noise. and there was just too much dust. this is how far i have got, i will let you know when i get to loosen the shoulders and unclench the jaw.

i’ll let you know when the magic unfolds.