sparking blog

oh boy, it’s happening. the urge to read poems. the urge to cry with bursts of excitement in the event of absolutely nothing but a thought. the urge to scream without any warning. the impulse to imagine outcomes relentlessly. the drive to play well written plays of kisses and making love in your head.

no matter how much you grow up, no matter how much you think you evolved and matured, love will always make you someone cringe. we need to make peace with that. that feeling of liking someone at 17 will haunt you forever. it will shift shapes but it will always find a new form. you will say that you are done for good, it will begin again on a random friday.

you will be 24, thinking it can’t find you anymore, it will knock on your door and the urge to scream will be undefeated. you will be 28, firmly stating that you cannot be entertained that way again. it will prove you wrong and mock you. at 36, you can still get a headache from thinking about someone too much. what’s more, at 60, you’re still not safe. that same feeling you had when you were 17, catching stares at the high school playground, will haunt you down and creep out of you even in your last breath.

so, you better make your peace with it. i love you and it’s cringe.

i don’t know how any of this feels wrong to you, but it does not feel wrong to me. i just think we would make so much sense if we kissed and i am about to be 25 for fuck’s sake. we would make so much sense if we touched each other’s bodies and push and pull each other.

i just think it would make so much sense for us to argue with each other. in at least two languages. don’t you think it makes so much sense? don’t you think we make so much sense? as if it is written on a script. the thought of what can be is much more powerful than all of the things that happened. so i don’t know how you think any of this is wrong. i don’t think you should keep yourself from imagining your hands all over me. when i see myself going crazy over your brains i know i am back to being me.

what if i told you i am all over the moon to have someone to inspire me? i really needed this for my writing. so thank you for standing in your suit all smart and collected and charming and witty. i never wanted to play with anyone ever since i was a kid. this is the first time i want someone to be my playmate. i think i am finally ready to share my toys but they are all in my head. that’s what they didn’t get. they thought i was being greedy but all my toys were always all in my head. i think i am finally ready to invite someone into my mind. so, are you coming over or what?

it’s cringe as fuck and you don’t even know i love you.

p.s. i can’t believe i just attached a Harvard Business Review article about how love makes you more successful in your career somewhere in this piece, due to crushing on someone smart. at least we now know stupid, slow, and useless was just a phase, and not a type. anyway, embrace the cringe and free yourself.