sparking blog

now i have my whole life packed at my parents house. now i search through the boxes for cotton to remove my nail polish and one gaze at the quickly packed cotton, taken from once my very own bathroom, i feel tears in my eyes. you go through hard times, you handle them fast with survival instinct, six months pass and all it takes is one gaze at the cotton in your packed boxes. it took you this long to process, turns out.

now i am sleeping at my childhood bed. the bed my grandmother died in. i even have the same pink sheets with flowers. i used to decorate one simple shelf with the books i have. now it takes three bookcases. now i have less dreams. simpler dreams, for sure. now i look for peace. 

now i bake cakes. but even taking action towards that took one day of persuasion. because now i can’t take action. ordering perfume, ordering a lipstick, ordering a moisturizer because my hands are too dry. it all takes weeks of persuasion. i must be stuck somewhere. because now i am all about planning and scheming. 

now i am far away from friends. now i am looking at their happy pictures together from afar. now i have to like each picture of them together to prove that i am not bitter. at times like this, accepting i have the crazy does not take any persuasion.

it knocks my door with great long-lasting curiosity

please take it away if it’s not meant for me.

now i welcome the new year all alone in a room at my parents house, can’t even call it mine. trying not to be bitter, trying to sprinkle positivity on top of this celebration of mine. a celebration of solitude. a celebration of having a marvelous time ruining everything. a celebration of a prayer being answered, the prayer being “it knocks my door with great long-lasting curiosity please take it away if it’s not meant for me.” i prayed in may, just before my solar return. six months passed and now it is a celebration of a prayer being heard. life took everything that was not meant for me. and i can’t unsee the magic in that. you shouldn’t either. see the magic in it. take it as a celebration of a prayer being answered.

now, you know what it does? do you know what praying “please take it away if it’s not from me” and it being answered does? it makes you see at a great certainty that what is still here with you is meant for you. and that gives me the chills.